I'm hoping to make this post into more of a series, since I really want to keep track of what it took to lose the GD weight I've gained since finding out I was pregnant. Since Delilah was born I've gone from, "Oh, it's just not the right time to focus on me," to, "Can I please get some f---ing time to focus on ME!?" in my head.
From the day I became a mother my whole orbit changed. I was no longer even interested in my own being, all I cared about was how Delilah was doing. How many ounces of breastmilk did she get today? Is she crying because of something I'm doing wrong? Is her poop supposed to be that color?? The questions were (and still are, to some extent) endless. It seems I just kind of stopped caring about myself (evident in that fact that even now I wear pajamas for a full day because I know I'm not going to leave the house, except maybe to walk to my mailbox, 20 steps away) on September 29, 2011.
I think this is something many women go through. We're not paid to get back to our pre-baby weight in 3 months like Gisele Bundchen or Jessica Alba, so why bother? I'm sure there are lots of women who DO bother...I'm just not one of them. Or, rather, I haven't been one of them, until now.
At this point in motherhood I am feeling the pull to give my girl some slack on that umbilical cord. Not much, mind you, but enough to feel some independence (for both of us, really). My daughter is 18 months old and I haven't even had a night out with my husband yet! HOLY CRAP! I am finally feeling ready, but not confident. I don't like how I look and it bleeds over to every other part of my life. My lack of confidence is doing me no favors, and it's surely not a good example to set for Delilah. I don't want her to feel this way about herself. I don't want her to be embarrassed of me someday (the fat mom). And I want another child, but I will not do obese pregnancy again. It was not comfortable for me.
My goal from now on is to treat my body with the respect it deserves. After all, I carried a human being inside of me for nine months, then had my body sliced open to get her out safely. I can't keep allowing the excuses to pile up. Examples:
1) "I'm exhausted." What parent ISN'T???? I have to accept that I will be tired until she's a teenager, maybe even beyond that, and move on. Eating better and exercising will actually INCREASE my energy. LEONARDO DICAPRIO IS IRONING - YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.
2) "We're too busy!" Ummm...I just watched about 2 hours of TV while sitting on the couch. I bet if I take that time after D goes to bed and use it at the gym or even just planning meals, grocery shopping, strength training - I can find the time. I have to become important again. I am more important than TV. Even "The Walking Dead"...okay, maybe not that show, but you get the idea.
At this point I am slowly working my way into a weight loss plan. I have goals, rewards and apps to help. I have tons of support (thanks to all you readers). As scary as it seems to make a change, it's what's best for me and my family.
I have a little over 70 pounds to lose in order to hit my first big goal weight. The reward when I get to that goal? Start trying for baby number two! Wish me luck...
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Five things I said I'd never do with my child...before I had one.
When I was pregnant it was very easy for me to imagine how life would be with a child. I was very sure that I knew what this parenting thing would be like. After all, I helped my mom with my baby brother when I was a kid AND I was a nanny. Yes, I was that naive. It wasn't until my child was in my arms, after an emotionally draining delivery, that I realized things probably weren't going to go the way I planned. The first year was intense, but so stunningly amazing. I found myself mommy-gyvering all the time. And I learned that I sometimes needed to lean on things that were on my DEFINITELY NOT GONNA HAPPEN list while I was pregnant, just to keep my sanity.
Here are five that I can think of...I'm sure there will be more that I don't want to admit to. ;)
1) ABSOLUTELY no sleeping with the baby in bed. I know, I know - not very progressive. I was so afraid of all the warnings I had heard that I really thought it would be safer to have my daughter next to me in her pack and play rather than snuggly in bed with me and her daddy. Well, I quickly realized this was ridiculous. There were times in the first few weeks that I fell asleep while holding her in bed sitting up because I was so freaking sleep deprived and she wouldn't wake up as long as I held her. I would wake up terrified because I realized that she was at an odd angle and I COULD HAVE DROPPED HER!! Talk about a heart attack waiting to happen. Anyway, we only brought her into bed with us in the beginning and only for random spurts of time. At this point in her life she doesn't even like sleeping in our bed. She thinks it's a place to wake up and start the day. I'm sure there are tons of moms who see our view of her not sleeping in our bed as a negative thing, but it really has been great for my husband and I. Delilah has been sleeping on her own for so long that she is happy in her crib at night, which means we have our privacy still. I sometimes think maybe all that snuggly stuff would have been great for all of us, but I really value my sleep and any time she does sleep in our bed I am kicked, prodded and practically pushed onto the floor for 8 hours. Not to mention the fear of squishing her...I still have that one!
2) ZERO television before the age of two. ::Sigh:: This one still gets to me because there were good reasons why we were going to stay firm on this one. We didn't want her to be addicted to TV from a young age. We wanted her to read, play with toys, go outside, and form her imagination before we shoved her in front of a screen and said HERE IS EVERYTHING ALREADY THOUGHT OUT FOR YOU, YOUNG ONE. TV is a no thinking required activity and we wanted to keep that a secret from her for as long as we could. Cut to NINE months in, and I showed her the first Elmo video on my iPhone. What a terrible gateway drug the smartphone is. Seriously. She wanted to see it all the time after that one playing. And I kept feeding it to her (sparingly at first) until we finally found our way to the actual television. Thank goodness for DVDs and streaming Netflix. At least the commercials don't have to be involved. So why did I break this "rule" of mine? Because being the 24/7 entertainment was not feasible after she grew out of the exersaucer and all of the places that would cause her to stay in one place quietly while I did the dishes or folded the laundry or WENT PEE. We still are very sparing with the TV, though I show it more than Jace because I'm with her so much more often and I like to have a clean kitchen sometimes. And clean laundry - I like that too. Delilah still reads TONS of books, plays with tons of toys and gets outside for at least a couple of hours a day. Watching "Follow That Bird", "Aristocats" or "Elmo's World" is honestly a last resort on days when I'm just tired of living in filth. She is so ahead of the curve for her age that I think we're doing a pretty darn good job. But that doesn't mean the mommy guilt doesn't creep in once in a while (every GD day) to tell me I'm probably scarring her for life.
3) NO junk food, especially sugar. This one came from my own struggles with my weight and emotional eating. I really thought that I could be one of those Pinterest moms who have a meal planned every day of the week, cook it to perfection and NEVER stray from the grocery list. In order to be that mom I would have to actually have a grocery list and a meal plan. Every saturday a reminder pops up on my phone saying, "Plan meals for the week". Do you know how many times I've used that reminder to actually do that task in the 6 or so months that I've had it programmed in my phone? Maybe twice. It pops up and I go back to whatever I'm doing at the moment (usually sitting on my ass for the first time in 12 or so hours, maybe watching something important like the full series of Ugly Betty on Netflix) thinking I'll remember in the morning. HA. Good one, Amanda. That never happens. So then on Monday I'm frantically trying to put together some sort of meal and Delilah ends up with a hot dog, two strawberries and a slice of toast...great job, Mom. Eventually this pushed me to say, "let's go out to dinner" a couple (few) nights a week for a while. This led to Delilah eating off of the kids menu which is full of terrible, nasty junk food at any restaurant, probably even some vegan-city restaurant that gets great reviews for the adult food. For some reason chicken strips, mac and cheese, grilled cheese, and cheeseburger are the 4 food groups of the kid menu. And forget about vegetables that she can actually eat - how about carrot sticks with ranch or apples with caramel. Anyway, I know it's our fault for taking her to these places, but damn I was so hoping we'd avoid those foods unless they were homemade. Cooking takes time and energy. And planning. Excuses, I know. But I'm getting better at making dinner. Breakfast and lunch also need help on days that I'm working from home. I just get so overwhelmed when I have to think of a meal on the spot that I freeze and say, "get her something from Oliver's" (usually a burrito), the store down the street. Sugar has been easier to control, but, lately, if she sees me eating it she begs for a bite. I'll have to curb my habits further in order to keep her sugar intake limited. The food issue is one that we're sllloowwly working on. I'm happy to report that she does like all kinds of food, though. She eats veggies, asks for fruits as a snack (she loooves frozen blueberries), loves fish, and even enjoys her dad's veggie smoothies (I, on the other hand, do not). Jace and I have a good food balance.
4) NEVER will she be left unattended without a gate or some sort of blockade to the outside world. I honestly believed that leaving a child unattended for the millisecond that it takes to pee was enough to be the world's worst mother...before I had to pee with a crawling, then walking child in tow. Nowadays I will run out to the garage and ask her to stay where she is, just praying to whoever watches over sweet toddler babies that she doesn't fall and hit her head. And I can honestly say that she doesn't usually hurt herself when I'm not looking. It's almost always while we're walking through the park and she trips over my foot, or while we're in my room and she slams her finger between the bedroom door and the cabinet behind it - while I'm standing right there like a bumbling idiot. I worry CONSTANTLY when I can't see her, but I'm always checking in vocally (from, like, 20 feet away), then running to the laundry room door when she doesn't answer only to see her standing there looking at me like I'm a crazy person. She's at an age where she's juuuust starting to stir up trouble. Soon I will be more worried about her coloring on the walls or pooping on the floor...oh wait, that already happened. As a mom I need moments to just get a thing done and as a kid she needs to learn that it's okay to play quietly by herself or explore the completely fenced in yard for a minute while mommy runs in to grab something. She and I have a balance that totally works for us. She knows where I am and I know to run frantically back to where she is when things get silent.
5) WE WILL NOT be the parents of the booger covered kid at the park. Until recently I was disgusted by any other kid I saw at the park who had that stream of snot oozing down their face. And when I saw one get a snot bubble...oh my god...no, I can't even think about that, I might barf. So when my kid got her first real toddler cold a couple of weeks ago I figured I'd keep her away from other kids the whole time she had the runny nose and wipe as often as possible in public. Oh, what a fool I am sometimes. The snot NEVER STOPS. For over week I kept her relatively hidden from the outside world, only playing out in our yard or staying strapped in the stroller while we walked Apollo in the park, but the damn river of boogies is still flowing! I can't keep her locked away forever, that's just cruel! And while we're at the park it's hard enough to remember where I put the stroller, let alone finding a crumpled up tissue to wipe her with every 10 seconds. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I am now one of those parents (all parents?). And bless her heart, even covered in boogies my girl is the still the cutest on the playground. <3
These five things are my confessions of what parenthood has been for me. I love being a mom, but it's tough! I had no idea how emotionally and physically drained I would be after a day alone with her. The fact that I'm an introvert doesn't help, as I need alone time to recharge my batteries and I don't get that most days (what with all the non-napping) until she's in bed for the night. I do rely on a few crutches that I think a lot of parents lean on for support. In the grand scheme of things I know my child is healthy, happy and extremely loved. She gets tons of time with mommy and daddy each day. Sometimes I have to reassure myself (or have my husband reassure me by fishing for compliments) that I'm doing a good job. Honestly, I think that's just part of being a mom. I'm my toughest critic. So I'll leave myself with this thought:
Delilah loves you more than anything in the world. She reaches for you when she needs comfort, she tries to make you laugh, she wants to be with you all the time (even when you're peeing), and she really looks up to you (not just physically) while learning about every day things like nature, words, numbers, animal noises, and music. If that's not love, I don't know what is. You're a good mom, Amanda Bandalin.
Here are five that I can think of...I'm sure there will be more that I don't want to admit to. ;)
1) ABSOLUTELY no sleeping with the baby in bed. I know, I know - not very progressive. I was so afraid of all the warnings I had heard that I really thought it would be safer to have my daughter next to me in her pack and play rather than snuggly in bed with me and her daddy. Well, I quickly realized this was ridiculous. There were times in the first few weeks that I fell asleep while holding her in bed sitting up because I was so freaking sleep deprived and she wouldn't wake up as long as I held her. I would wake up terrified because I realized that she was at an odd angle and I COULD HAVE DROPPED HER!! Talk about a heart attack waiting to happen. Anyway, we only brought her into bed with us in the beginning and only for random spurts of time. At this point in her life she doesn't even like sleeping in our bed. She thinks it's a place to wake up and start the day. I'm sure there are tons of moms who see our view of her not sleeping in our bed as a negative thing, but it really has been great for my husband and I. Delilah has been sleeping on her own for so long that she is happy in her crib at night, which means we have our privacy still. I sometimes think maybe all that snuggly stuff would have been great for all of us, but I really value my sleep and any time she does sleep in our bed I am kicked, prodded and practically pushed onto the floor for 8 hours. Not to mention the fear of squishing her...I still have that one!
2) ZERO television before the age of two. ::Sigh:: This one still gets to me because there were good reasons why we were going to stay firm on this one. We didn't want her to be addicted to TV from a young age. We wanted her to read, play with toys, go outside, and form her imagination before we shoved her in front of a screen and said HERE IS EVERYTHING ALREADY THOUGHT OUT FOR YOU, YOUNG ONE. TV is a no thinking required activity and we wanted to keep that a secret from her for as long as we could. Cut to NINE months in, and I showed her the first Elmo video on my iPhone. What a terrible gateway drug the smartphone is. Seriously. She wanted to see it all the time after that one playing. And I kept feeding it to her (sparingly at first) until we finally found our way to the actual television. Thank goodness for DVDs and streaming Netflix. At least the commercials don't have to be involved. So why did I break this "rule" of mine? Because being the 24/7 entertainment was not feasible after she grew out of the exersaucer and all of the places that would cause her to stay in one place quietly while I did the dishes or folded the laundry or WENT PEE. We still are very sparing with the TV, though I show it more than Jace because I'm with her so much more often and I like to have a clean kitchen sometimes. And clean laundry - I like that too. Delilah still reads TONS of books, plays with tons of toys and gets outside for at least a couple of hours a day. Watching "Follow That Bird", "Aristocats" or "Elmo's World" is honestly a last resort on days when I'm just tired of living in filth. She is so ahead of the curve for her age that I think we're doing a pretty darn good job. But that doesn't mean the mommy guilt doesn't creep in once in a while (every GD day) to tell me I'm probably scarring her for life.
3) NO junk food, especially sugar. This one came from my own struggles with my weight and emotional eating. I really thought that I could be one of those Pinterest moms who have a meal planned every day of the week, cook it to perfection and NEVER stray from the grocery list. In order to be that mom I would have to actually have a grocery list and a meal plan. Every saturday a reminder pops up on my phone saying, "Plan meals for the week". Do you know how many times I've used that reminder to actually do that task in the 6 or so months that I've had it programmed in my phone? Maybe twice. It pops up and I go back to whatever I'm doing at the moment (usually sitting on my ass for the first time in 12 or so hours, maybe watching something important like the full series of Ugly Betty on Netflix) thinking I'll remember in the morning. HA. Good one, Amanda. That never happens. So then on Monday I'm frantically trying to put together some sort of meal and Delilah ends up with a hot dog, two strawberries and a slice of toast...great job, Mom. Eventually this pushed me to say, "let's go out to dinner" a couple (few) nights a week for a while. This led to Delilah eating off of the kids menu which is full of terrible, nasty junk food at any restaurant, probably even some vegan-city restaurant that gets great reviews for the adult food. For some reason chicken strips, mac and cheese, grilled cheese, and cheeseburger are the 4 food groups of the kid menu. And forget about vegetables that she can actually eat - how about carrot sticks with ranch or apples with caramel. Anyway, I know it's our fault for taking her to these places, but damn I was so hoping we'd avoid those foods unless they were homemade. Cooking takes time and energy. And planning. Excuses, I know. But I'm getting better at making dinner. Breakfast and lunch also need help on days that I'm working from home. I just get so overwhelmed when I have to think of a meal on the spot that I freeze and say, "get her something from Oliver's" (usually a burrito), the store down the street. Sugar has been easier to control, but, lately, if she sees me eating it she begs for a bite. I'll have to curb my habits further in order to keep her sugar intake limited. The food issue is one that we're sllloowwly working on. I'm happy to report that she does like all kinds of food, though. She eats veggies, asks for fruits as a snack (she loooves frozen blueberries), loves fish, and even enjoys her dad's veggie smoothies (I, on the other hand, do not). Jace and I have a good food balance.
4) NEVER will she be left unattended without a gate or some sort of blockade to the outside world. I honestly believed that leaving a child unattended for the millisecond that it takes to pee was enough to be the world's worst mother...before I had to pee with a crawling, then walking child in tow. Nowadays I will run out to the garage and ask her to stay where she is, just praying to whoever watches over sweet toddler babies that she doesn't fall and hit her head. And I can honestly say that she doesn't usually hurt herself when I'm not looking. It's almost always while we're walking through the park and she trips over my foot, or while we're in my room and she slams her finger between the bedroom door and the cabinet behind it - while I'm standing right there like a bumbling idiot. I worry CONSTANTLY when I can't see her, but I'm always checking in vocally (from, like, 20 feet away), then running to the laundry room door when she doesn't answer only to see her standing there looking at me like I'm a crazy person. She's at an age where she's juuuust starting to stir up trouble. Soon I will be more worried about her coloring on the walls or pooping on the floor...oh wait, that already happened. As a mom I need moments to just get a thing done and as a kid she needs to learn that it's okay to play quietly by herself or explore the completely fenced in yard for a minute while mommy runs in to grab something. She and I have a balance that totally works for us. She knows where I am and I know to run frantically back to where she is when things get silent.
5) WE WILL NOT be the parents of the booger covered kid at the park. Until recently I was disgusted by any other kid I saw at the park who had that stream of snot oozing down their face. And when I saw one get a snot bubble...oh my god...no, I can't even think about that, I might barf. So when my kid got her first real toddler cold a couple of weeks ago I figured I'd keep her away from other kids the whole time she had the runny nose and wipe as often as possible in public. Oh, what a fool I am sometimes. The snot NEVER STOPS. For over week I kept her relatively hidden from the outside world, only playing out in our yard or staying strapped in the stroller while we walked Apollo in the park, but the damn river of boogies is still flowing! I can't keep her locked away forever, that's just cruel! And while we're at the park it's hard enough to remember where I put the stroller, let alone finding a crumpled up tissue to wipe her with every 10 seconds. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I am now one of those parents (all parents?). And bless her heart, even covered in boogies my girl is the still the cutest on the playground. <3
These five things are my confessions of what parenthood has been for me. I love being a mom, but it's tough! I had no idea how emotionally and physically drained I would be after a day alone with her. The fact that I'm an introvert doesn't help, as I need alone time to recharge my batteries and I don't get that most days (what with all the non-napping) until she's in bed for the night. I do rely on a few crutches that I think a lot of parents lean on for support. In the grand scheme of things I know my child is healthy, happy and extremely loved. She gets tons of time with mommy and daddy each day. Sometimes I have to reassure myself (or have my husband reassure me by fishing for compliments) that I'm doing a good job. Honestly, I think that's just part of being a mom. I'm my toughest critic. So I'll leave myself with this thought:
Delilah loves you more than anything in the world. She reaches for you when she needs comfort, she tries to make you laugh, she wants to be with you all the time (even when you're peeing), and she really looks up to you (not just physically) while learning about every day things like nature, words, numbers, animal noises, and music. If that's not love, I don't know what is. You're a good mom, Amanda Bandalin.
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