Before I gave birth to Delilah I did a lot of research on labor, delivery, taking baby home, etc. I watched "The Business of Being Born". I read (skimmed through, really) many books and articles on how best to care for a newborn. I asked my mom friends lots of questions about what worked for them with their babies. All in all, I came to the conclusion that breastfeeding was THE way to go for my new little one.
I spent hours researching breastfeeding (how-tos, videos, latching, pumping), but none of it prepared me for what really went down after Baby D was born. It all seemed so natural: baby is born, baby sees boob, baby finds nipple, baby is fed. Simple, right? WROOOONG. It turns out things aren't as easy as they look on the internet.
After my c-section I had to give my body some time to realize milk was needed. The nurses got me started with a pump and soon the milk was flowing. Alright, one issue down, now time for the easy part: baby drinks milk.
Nope. I learned that Baby can't drink the milk unless she latches on properly, which was not happening with Delilah. She had a shallow latch, which meant she couldn't get the full areola into her mouth, only the nipple. This meant two things: 1) She wasn't getting enough milk at a feeding and 2) I was going to be in a lot of pain because she was basically chomping on my nipple for long periods of time. OUCH.
The nurses and lactation consultants all had different ideas. We tried nipple shields, syringes with tubing, bottle feeding, different nursing positions...I just could never quite get it right. As soon as I thought I had it, my nipple would start hurting and I knew she wasn't latched on properly. I began to get very frustrated at myself.
"Why can't I do this right?"
"How is it that I can be failing at something that is supposed to be instinctive??"
"I am a terrible mother."
These were all the thoughts that ran through my head on any given day during my breastfeeding attempts. There would be good times where Delilah seemed to latch on well and stayed feeding for 30 minutes or so. There were bad times where I honestly could not get her to latch at all and then she was crying, then I was crying...not fun for either of us. Plus, I was up all hours of the night pumping so that we could give her bottles after my attempts to breastfeed her failed.
Along with the latching issues, we also ran into what we believed was a lactose sensitivity. Delilah would have these huge crying fits and then explode poop everywhere after a feeding. During my pregnancy I started drinking cow's milk again (I had switched to other sources before that because I seemed to have some senstivity myself), and after D was born I decided to keep with that diet. Once I realized that Delilah may be having issues with milk I tried hard to cut dairy out, which is NOT an easy thing to do. Even so, it seemed like every bottle of breast milk or session of breastfeeding led to my daughter being in extreme pain and suffering. Again, I felt HORRIBLE.
I cried a lot during this time. For about two months I was on and off. One day I was happy to go through the whole cycle, failure and all. Other days I just couldn't handle it and I almost gave in to the formula temptation.
It took me many weeks and lots of soul-searching to realize that in order for both of us to be happy, I had to stop breastfeeding. Even once I'd made the decision, I felt like a total failure. I was "giving up" instead of pushing on to give my daughter the best nutrition possible. I was a terrible mother.
After a few months of formula I came to terms with my breastfeeding "failure". I tried my best, but it just wasn't meant to be for Delilah and me. She has thrived on formula. And, while I sometimes wonder if she would have had less colds or if I gave up too soon, I know I made the right choice. Breastfeeding was not a wonderful bonding experience for me - it was pushing me in the opposite direction. I couldn't concentrate on the bonding part because I was too worried that Delilah wasn't getting the nutrition she needed. Once I started bottle feeding exclusively I had more time to just gaze into her eyes and coo to her. I was sure she was getting enough food. I felt like I was doing the right thing.
To any other mothers dealing with difficulties in breastfeeding: I have been there. I know how hard it can be. I know what an emotional issue it is. I almost gave up on myself, but instead I decided to do what was best for both my sanity and my daughter's well being. As hard as it may be, try not to feel that you have failed.
We are lucky to have other options for providing nutrition to our babies.
I was in a store the other day and I heard two women discussing breastfeeding. They were so gung-ho about it that neither of them stopped to think of what it might be like to have a tough time with it. One mom even said that formula is a scam. My husband was stewing in a corner of a store, not saying what he had to see me go through. I decided on that day to stand up for my choice. I let them know that I had issues and even with all of the lactation consultant help I never really could make it work, so I had to switch to formula. Both stopped and gave me a look that read pity, then they both tripped over themselves to explain their conversation away, as if they weren't talking about me, but all of the other mothers out there who are just too lazy to try breastfeeding. I felt better after saying my piece, but I doubt I made much of an impact. If you haven't been through it, you can't truly understand it.
I hope others will think about the issues many moms go through in the first few months of breastfeeding. I used to be close-minded to other options, but now I realize how amazingly fortunate I am to be able to still provide my baby with the food she needs. Sometimes formula happens. Thank god it exists.
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